No lo creo

Estoy a merced de Dios, de Ed. Semanas que se convierten en meses o quizá solo me mantuvieron en estado vegetal. Creí que de esta no saldría, que no vendrías. Ya no se en donde estoy parada o si esto realmente vale la pena.
 Entre pretender estar bien y despertar a las nueve de la mañana con la incapacidad de mover mi cuerpo, como cuando te drogas y crees que tu cuerpo ha sido separado de tu conciencia; me entristece saber que no lo provoco, que nunca son ni serán drogas. Me pierdo de mi.

¿El mundo es mejor así?

Te espero y también me espero

Paso mis días esperando. Las últimas semanas las sentí como si fueran las finales, 500mg no matan a nadie y menos a mi. Unas semanas tampoco pueden. Solo espero respuestas, acciones. Espero, como siempre.

No quiero esto. Es más de lo que una persona puede soportar. La medicina tampoco cura.

En 10 años me encontrare igual

No tenia palabras, ni tampoco fuerzas. Estoy perdiendo todo. Estoy viviendo de cerca el capricho de no querer morir, mientras yo haría lo que fuera por morir en este instante. Hay personas que sirven para vivir y otras que son muy flojas.

Ya no se creer en Ed o en mi, realmente ya no puedo creer en nadie. Alguien se esta muriendo, esta vez el alguien que duele más de lo que creí. 

cheating on me and this time is not me

There was something going on that night, but I don't know what it was
No I don't know, I don't know...
I'm just waiting..

It's supposed to we'll work together this time, this time we need... without deceit.

AP has reason

Never thought I'd get any higher
Never thought you'd fuck with my brain
Never thought all this could expire
Never thought you'd go break the chain

And now I'm understanding and remember the reason because I didn't this,
I can't with this fucking shit... I think that I need my old own
you're killing me and make me more ill than before...
you are NOT for this and I am NOT for this,
someone need to leave someone

Comeback

Now, two years later, the voices on my head comeback...at midnight.... exactly like two years ago... they said things that I can't understand...things that make me feel confused... sad...

Ed said me that heard voices while you trying to sleep it's normal, but what means when you heard known voices of two years ago? voices that I heard during two years or more and it was the reason to fuck me up in all the ways...

Alberto has reason, it seems I'm dying... I'm scared, I don't want to live like before without calm.

Can I change this? Can I live like normal people? I'm tired of this kind of life...

just a little more of LSD for both in this occasion

Ed told me, the last wednesday, that he had a dream where we both were angry each other and when the dream finished him felt sad. When he told me that I felt like i'm dying cause, nobody knows, soon will be like his dream and everything will be over.

I feel sad and I can't explain with words cause it's really hard and both we're worried about this situation. I hate myself and everything that I doing in this fucking moment, I want to talk with him about this but, it's too difficult and I want to cry when I try. I don't know what to do.

I really love him in a way that I never loved anyone else and I never won't love him, cause Ed became part of my life when he came.

Un lunes de miedos como en aquellos primeros años

I feel so so bad i mean this feel is so fucking bad... i cried a lot a moment ago, i've been cried all the weekend and all this fucking morning, i hate this so much... i really want to leave this shit, i need to take more pills, more of my blessed geodon... i watched skins all the last week and it's so sad i feeling worst when i watched that.
My boyfriend is the best person in the whole world, he loves me and take care about me even when i'm sick, angry and/or desperate with myself or the world. He said that wants feel my pain instead of my and that's make me cry because anybody says that before, not like he did, not honestly like him. I love him with all my soul like i never loved anybody else. Well, i should grateful for him and his love and not being sad for my sick mind.

umieram wewnetrznie

The old old times that I remember like I remember all the worst dates

When you were high

When you were high I think to need care about you...
When you were high I think to need hold you, caress you and kiss you, I think to need that and I did that...
When you were high I feel so so small, I feel like I'm nothing...
When you were high I only want to stay with you, not leave you...
When you were high I Love you harder, I really love you harder...
...but this is not only when you were high.

Un día cualquiera entre semana

He touched her, but she doesn't feel anything.

otro día largo a la lista

No more overthinking, no past, no future... only the present. I will leave my worries in his place, not in my head killing me like before.

 I drew a deformed man yesterday and I felt free drawing because it wasn't perfect. Ed loves my work he said that is beautiful and unique, I don't always love my work but if he loves my work I'm so really happy; also my friends, my teacher and other people love my work, but not my family, obviously.
Today I woke up at 4.00 and I'm going to a classmate house at 11.00 because we need to do a project for the school, but I hate working in groups...well, I hate the school, my classmates and my teachers, specially the literature teacher.

Sanely

Finally, this is the day. I've been alone here without Ed because he was in the coast for Easter, but today I see him in the afternoon.
The last days were heavy, I eat to much so I feel fat. I need to do a lot of exercise and start a diet if I don't want to be fat again.
Seven months, I've been with Ed during seven months and I love him with all my soul. All this is incredible because is the first time that I'm stay a lot of time with someone. He makes me feel like the best person in the whole world and I love him sanely.

(He makes me stay sane)

Ich bin schwach.

I feel empty. 

Yes, I need more... I need you.

These days was so heavy, I need to have rest or not sleep;

 anyway my doctor says that sleep is the best for me,

 but I don't think so.

In this moment I listen to The Drums and I spend my time

while comes the hour to see my boyfriend .

The songs make me feel sad but I love that  feeling 

so I listen  them too much.

I hate waiting in my house.

The other side of my last week.

It was good...
Tuesday morning... everything is good when I'm with you...

I don't want to take my new medicine...

I don't want to eat...

I don't want to sleep...

You are too good for me, you are better than other people or things, better than my medicine...
The last week was strange and heavy, too heavy and a little empty but like always ED made me felt comfortable. Well, I hope this week will be to much better because I have got a lot of expectations.

Naked.

I said him my fears and how I feel with every change in my medication and how change my life with that . He told me that everything will be okay and he made me felt alive with his words and caress. I love him and he will help me to bear this.

He always make me feel alive.

My stupid fault.

I'm so stupid... I can't understand a simple text message, I'm really idiot! I hate myself!
Well, this is my really bad luck every weekend when my father's here, I hate this situation... anyway I knew something like this will happen today but I didn't know it would be my stupid fault. The universe (and my father) conspire against me! I hate text messages!

Some news

I'm taking German classes on the school and aren't complicated, but I'm just starting so my German is bad.
I need to finish my English homework, but my pencil sucks and I can't write.
I'm a little nervous for my certification exam...
I hate my Literature homework, but I love read.
I don't like Valentine's Day, even with my boyfriend.
I really like Last Dinosaurs.
I want to read ''Everything is illuminated".
I'm so bored in this moment...

The worst things that I can do.

And you're the one that makes me happy
And you're the one that makes me sad...

You love this band and this song and ''I need a doctor'' killing me... but I listen these songs because I love feel me bad and you love The Drums. This things that I do are the most disgusting things what I can do, I feel  stupid and you love me and I love you, but I am destroying me with my thoughts...