Lluvia

Tuvimos una noche más, sin frío y con lluvia. Desearía no tener frío esta noche.

En 10 años me encontrare igual

No tenia palabras, ni tampoco fuerzas. Estoy perdiendo todo. Estoy viviendo de cerca el capricho de no querer morir, mientras yo haría lo que fuera por morir en este instante. Hay personas que sirven para vivir y otras que son muy flojas.

Ya no se creer en Ed o en mi, realmente ya no puedo creer en nadie. Alguien se esta muriendo, esta vez el alguien que duele más de lo que creí. 

AP has reason

Never thought I'd get any higher
Never thought you'd fuck with my brain
Never thought all this could expire
Never thought you'd go break the chain

And now I'm understanding and remember the reason because I didn't this,
I can't with this fucking shit... I think that I need my old own
you're killing me and make me more ill than before...
you are NOT for this and I am NOT for this,
someone need to leave someone

The worst...

Please, leave me
I need to stay alone
I miss my old problems
Please, let me go
Why are you so sincere?
Why are you don't lie to me?
I didn't need listen the past, that I already knew, by your mouth
because your words really injure,
even if you think that was not a big deal... I'm injured.

I loved you when we don't knew anything important about us
and now I still love you, but not in the same way like on the past...
now its diferent... now hurts... just a little...
but I'm still beside you, because I love you and I think it doesn't matter the past...
I think.

Comeback

Now, two years later, the voices on my head comeback...at midnight.... exactly like two years ago... they said things that I can't understand...things that make me feel confused... sad...

Ed said me that heard voices while you trying to sleep it's normal, but what means when you heard known voices of two years ago? voices that I heard during two years or more and it was the reason to fuck me up in all the ways...

Alberto has reason, it seems I'm dying... I'm scared, I don't want to live like before without calm.

Can I change this? Can I live like normal people? I'm tired of this kind of life...

I've got nothing to say

I've got nothing to change

so...

I'm sick today

I've got a fucking headache

I wan to go out and see my boyfriend, but i'm feeling really bad 

so i can't

and i'm so bored and tired

well, i hate when i'm sick

milk's killing me

I'm sick today and I'm feeling bored and tired...

Un lunes de miedos como en aquellos primeros años

I feel so so bad i mean this feel is so fucking bad... i cried a lot a moment ago, i've been cried all the weekend and all this fucking morning, i hate this so much... i really want to leave this shit, i need to take more pills, more of my blessed geodon... i watched skins all the last week and it's so sad i feeling worst when i watched that.
My boyfriend is the best person in the whole world, he loves me and take care about me even when i'm sick, angry and/or desperate with myself or the world. He said that wants feel my pain instead of my and that's make me cry because anybody says that before, not like he did, not honestly like him. I love him with all my soul like i never loved anybody else. Well, i should grateful for him and his love and not being sad for my sick mind.

und?

Sometimes 

When you were high

When you were high I think to need care about you...
When you were high I think to need hold you, caress you and kiss you, I think to need that and I did that...
When you were high I feel so so small, I feel like I'm nothing...
When you were high I only want to stay with you, not leave you...
When you were high I Love you harder, I really love you harder...
...but this is not only when you were high.

Overthinking

I can't put my feelings into words

I can't draw or write something special,

something new, intelligent...

I listen to WEG and I feel emptiness, so much fucking emptiness.

Yesterday was so so good

He's so fucking perfect I really love him,

He said me that I was made for him and  I think he was made for me.

Probably soon we've got a day for both together

only both

without other people  and without worries.

I want to go to 2046 with him.

Un día cualquiera entre semana

He touched her, but she doesn't feel anything.

Esquizofrenia

I don't know how I feel

I wonder 

when I could be free of my thoughts?

I'm in love with him,

but I'm very sick.

I can't live in this way, I can't...

at least I've Ed with me

 and even though I'm sick

he loves me.

Please, I beg, tell me... why do I've to live in this painful way?

Tengo miedo, miedo de todo, de estar sola, de estar lejos, de lo que no dice, de lo que siento, de lo que tal vez siente, de lo que me cuesta, de lo que podría ocurrir, de mi...

Entonces estoy mal porque tengo miedo, miedo de todo, miedo de mi, me siento tan asustada que parezco niña llorando después de una pesadilla durante la noche. Me siento tan mal hoy lunes que lo único que realmente deseo es verte, no quiero nada más el día de hoy más que verte y estar a tu lado. No estoy bien, hoy no estoy bien, desde que empezó este maldito año no estoy bien, algo me esta afectando, pero no se que es.

Desde que empezó el año he estado así, sintiendome mal después de varios días de estar bien como si algún factor me impidiera ser feliz y estar bien del todo, como si alguien me odiara lo suficiente para no dejarme libre. A veces quisiera que alguien se diera cuenta de este maldito problema que tanto escondo, pero si eso ocurriera sería aun peor porque estaría más sobre-protegida de lo que ya estoy.

Incluso a veces pienso que tal vez me ocurre todo esto porque yo no debo estar aquí, porque rompí el curso de la naturaleza que debí seguir.
No entiendo como es que no pueden cambiar las cosas para bien, ya ni siquiera soy la egoísta de antes porque ahora quiero estar bien para el no para mí. No entiendo si estoy haciendo mal algo o no, no lo entiendo. Parece como si alguien no quisiera que fuera feliz. Ni siquiera se que estoy haciendo mal.

Tal vez son los fantasmas del pasado que quieren regresar y de esta forma se comunican, tal vez vuelva aquella mujer, aquellas voces y aquel color, tal vez vuelva a recaer cuando menos lo espere, tal vez. Tal vez solo pasa esto para recordarme que no puedo vivir sin pensar en el pasado, tal vez.

Cuando no tengo palabras

How to start? How I feel? 

Today are eight months with Ed,

 eight months of a lot of  beautiful and new things. 

I feel so really happy

 because I never before felt this for something or someone

 and I never thought that this will happen.

 I'm really grateful with him for everything.

I have no words for this feeling, 

but I can say that I love him with all my soul and like never before.

just thinking

I'm in love with Murakami really I love his work so much because it's perfect and beautiful. I need so fucking much Norwegian Wood and Sputnik sweetheart, but his books are so so so expensive and I don't find used books of him. It's too difficult find his books in my city (I hate my city) but I trying to find those books the next weekend. 

Well, about school I'm just say that I hate it and don't pass some exams because I don't study, but I don't care I won't be sick for that. Yes, I'm always sick for the school and my house and I really hate those two places...

"In a sense, I’m the one who ruined me: I did it myself"

Haruki Murakami

Good Friday again!

No school today! no literature class! yeah! I'm so really really happy!

And well, I'm so happy for other things like today I finished my drawing for Ed but I feel what the draw is deformed so that makes me anxiously... the idea from my draw was something that made remember my style and my love for the naked body and my hate for the faces so the finally work was a really interesting semi naked girl. I'm totally sure that Ed will love my work.

The last days I read the Daul Kim's blog and her was so like me... her blog make me feel empty so so empty I never read her blog before, but something in my mind make me read that blog then of years of knowing his work.

I really hope that tomorrow will be a good day as great as the wednesday morning. Yes, I'm so excited for tomorrow because I will do new things and learn a new technique.

What can I draw? tell me something

Well, my school life sucks this semester

 so I need to work a little more or not I don't do anything.

I'm anxiously and so happy because I need to draw something beautiful, unique and representative that will last a whole life because I'm tattoooing that on Ed, he said ''It's easy, I already did on me. It's like drawing on paper" oh yeah like paper but not I think is complicated so what can I draw? maybe a tree or something... ah my mind is empty in this situation I don't know what to do but this is important for me and him so I'm sure I do something perfect in the last moment. These days will be hard so I will do the best.

otro día largo a la lista

No more overthinking, no past, no future... only the present. I will leave my worries in his place, not in my head killing me like before.

 I drew a deformed man yesterday and I felt free drawing because it wasn't perfect. Ed loves my work he said that is beautiful and unique, I don't always love my work but if he loves my work I'm so really happy; also my friends, my teacher and other people love my work, but not my family, obviously.
Today I woke up at 4.00 and I'm going to a classmate house at 11.00 because we need to do a project for the school, but I hate working in groups...well, I hate the school, my classmates and my teachers, specially the literature teacher.